A lover and a friend

‘Sometimes I think we’re a little bit in love’ he texts me. ‘I agree’ I reply. I don’t want to let my soppiness ruin this surprising moment or all come flooding out at once but I’ve known for a long time I love him. I imagined saying it by accident, it slipping out as it nearly does when we are laughing together or at the end of a phone call. I imagined getting drunk and blurting it out without even thinking. But I never expected this. I never expected anything like that to ever come from him.

It never started off like this. It was never meant to get to this point and neither of us saw it coming. This was meant to be a quick bit of fun, a quick nothing more than sex between friends arrangement. I should have known that’s not how I do things. I hold on to people, but I never expected him to let me hold on to him. He moves on quickly and doesn’t get attached to people but I know he cares about me. He wouldn’t directly say anything like that to me but I can tell from his actions, actions that speak so much louder than words. I can tell he cares. Now we are here I don’t know where it will go. I know deep down it can’t end well, not really, and that makes my heart sink a little. But I push that feeling to one side and make myself enjoy it while it’s still here. I ignore how hard it will be to let him go but I already know how hard it is because I’ve tried.

Every now and then when he tells me it’s time for me to go home after a night of cuddles and loveliness or it’s time for him to rush off home after a night of being between my legs, I get a little sad. He puts his finger under my chin and lifts it slightly so I look up into his concerned, brown eyes and he asks me if I’m okay. I give him a small smile and tell him I’m fine as I put my arms around him for one last time and he kisses my forehead. I hold him close while I still can and enjoy the strength that surrounds me and his smell I inhale as I close my eyes and try to forget we are parting. He says goodbye and I’m left standing there in my hallway once again wearing nothing but his shirt and watching him leave. I can still feel his come between my legs and my hair is a mess where it has been rubbed against the sheets and pulled by his strong hands. My body aches wonderfully from him fucking me, restraining me, slapping me and my next step will be to check the mirror for any marks he has left me with. Marks that I love; my little souvenirs from a really good night but sometimes I want more than just souvenirs. Sometimes I want the whole night. I always know the night will end like this but sometimes when he’s gone and I’m alone again I can’t help but wish he could have stayed. I lay in my big bed all alone and think about how it felt to have him wrapped around me, his naked warmth pressing against mine and holding me so close. I close my eyes so tight and try to imagine him there. Wearing his shirt I cherish the gorgeous smell that comes with it but sometimes I want more than just his shirt wrapped around me.

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