I don’t want you to read this

So for any of you who are following me on Twitter you may notice I’ve had a bit of writers block as of late which is why there hasn’t been a post for longer than I’d have liked. Over this time I’ve sat down many times to start writing and annoyingly nothing but feelings were coming out and they were not feelings I was ready to share, or that I was wanting to feel at all really. I’m happy to share the odd soppy post on here but lately the only things coming out when I tapped my fingers on this keyboard were dramatic unwanted thoughts that I would ordinarily call selfish. But maybe they’re not so selfish really, I have every right to feel however I feel and I have to take the time out to remind myself of that sometimes. But these are not really thoughts or feelings I’ve wanted to face up to.

Having said that I feel as though I may not be able to get anything else out until I’ve shared this, like this is my block and I need to get it out there for anything else to come out. So in the spirit of trying to push past this block I’m going to share some of my soppy dramatics and hope I can get back on my usual filthy track afterwards. So please feel free to skip past this post and enjoy the next instalment of filth I post later this week!


I don’t want you to read this.

I look at myself in the mirror through my bloodshot eyes that are leaking silent tears for unknown reasons. I see the smudged mascara and the reddened cheek. I see the rope burn on my neck and the yellowish bruise on my shoulder that matches perfectly with the one just above my left nipple that I can feel whenever I put my bra on or brush against it slightly.

These marks I love, these marks I ask for. But I look at myself and I don’t look happy anymore. I’ve always liked marks. I liked to mark myself once upon a time but I try not to do that anymore. Sometimes it scares me that this is just my new way of hurting myself. I’ve replaced that with you. But I never thought you could hurt so much more.

I want to feel loved.

I want to look loved.



I feel its important to say, this was not easy to post because this is not how I usually feel (as you may have noticed from posts such as ‘The beauty of punishment marks‘). Nine times out of ten the marks are what make me feel loved and they are what I feel make me look loved. This is in fact the first time I have ever had any feelings like this. And although it scared me at first now I’ve had some time to think, I think it’s okay. It’s okay to not like something 100% of the time. It’s okay to feel a little overwhelmed sometimes. I guess another reason this was so hard to post is because I really don’t want you to read it. Scratch that, I really don’t want him to read it; he’s away for a while so at least it’s delayed. I don’t want him to read it because I don’t want this to come across as though he doesn’t care or as though I’m not happy, because I am happy and he does care. My dom always asks me if I’m okay after every beating and every deliciously hard fucking, I never really understood why he was asking me but now I guess it’s to check for feelings like this and I’m glad he cares.

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